Jeff bought me a Blackberry today because my old phone was possesed. Thank goodnedd cause a week without reading everyone's entried has taken a toll on me, lol.

I update m FB status just about daily so, if you haven't already, add me! Just search for Rachel Allen in Alameda, CA.

Speaking of which.... We got into our new hometown today :). We can't move in til Monday which is pretty upsetting to me but we did drive through our neighborhood and it was quiet, I liked it.

I'm going to cuddle this sexy, sleeping man next to me :).

I love having my husband back!!!!!!

Love, Rachel.

Just so everyone knows, I am not back to being active on here just yet. I apologize for my very rare comments, if any. I do promise that I am reading everything and keeping up with everyone, it really helps me keep my head on straight. However! I have sooooooooooo much going on right now and so many things stuck in my head, I can't make myself update about any of it. Nothing bad, I just feel like chopping my head off 'cause I've got so much to think about and consider right now.

Jeff flies in tomorrow, his flight is supposed to get here at 3:30. I am getting up early 'cause I have a ton of things to do before then, including getting my first massage (prenatal, of course) in order to help my circulation improve for the long drives we're about to endure, beginning on Thursday morning when we leave around 6 AM to be in Tampa in time to visit BOTH my parent's families for Thanksgiving.

Anyway, the reason I am forcing myself to update...

I HAVE STRETCHMARKS. I was JUST talking about them to my mom this evening, about different kinds I've seen and how I wasn't sure if I'd get them or not.

At noon today, I took a shower. I examined my body for changes as I usually do since I've gotten pregnant, and didn't find anything. Tonight, around 7, I took off my pants and was about to shave my legs in my mom's tub when I noticed some discoloring on the back of my thighs. I have purple spider-vein looking stretchmarks halfway down the back of my thighs now! I checked my butt and dang, they're there too! Holy cow!

I'm embarassed about this. I was expecting them on my stomach and hips, but my butt and thighs? Maybe it's because my hips have been widening? They've DEFINITELY been hurting me a lot!

I called Jeff and he didn't think it was a big deal at all, he was trying to reassure me and kind of even laughed it off that I was so upset. He doesn't care about them.. Gosh, how the heck can he love me so much?

That's all.. I can't force anymore out, lol.

Love, Rachel.

ps. MY BABY SHOWER WAS GREAT, AMAZING, FANTASTIC, WONDERFUL, I LOVED IT!

I have to get this out..

I always feel SO horrible when using eBay. If I see that someone's item is almost expired and there are 0 bids, I feel sooooo bad! What is they desperately need the money (which is usually the case)? If I outbid someone, I feel terrible because what if they needed it more? If someone's item gets won but for like.. .99 cents when it's DEFINITELY worth more, holy cow! That's sad! It seriously breaks my heart, I've had to limit myself of my eBay use 'cause it hurts my heart so badly.

I know it probably sounds stupid, but little things like that really do hurt me- a LOT.



I'm stressed out about the baby shower this Saturday. My mom and Stephen are the ones that said they wanted to throw it, and so far I'm the one who has done anything. My mom brought me to Party City last week. We didn't get any decorations except for maybe 1 thing to hang up, but we got cups and tablecloths and some crossword puzzle she liked. It came out to be about $70 and my mom said she wasn't going to spend money on anything else for the party except for the cake... What? You throw a party for someone and $70 is too much to spend? I feel bad for thinking like that because it makes me seem ungrateful.

I ordered the cake, it was the only cute one (I didn't even want a cake, or a party for that matter! My mom insisted though, and said that she wanted to have a cake). The cake came out to $49 and she freaked about it, making me feel bad once again.

I mentioned that we don't have food to feed the so far 34 RSVPs and she says that "cake is enough". KSHFGSLDFKJHSLDFJHBSF. Stop it. We don't have games or favors or music and she just blows it off every time I say something about it.

I have NEVER been to a baby shower before, and I have NO money. This wasn't my idea and it isn't supposed to be muy responsibility. This is exactly what was happening with my wedding until my aunt stepped in and took over. I wouldn't have had a wedding if she wouldn't have done that, and I know I mention that I hate not having gotten to pick out my wedding dress or choose my bridesmaids but at least I got a beautiful wedding (which, by the way, also wasn't my idea to have, but my mom's).

I feel terrible. I told Jeff about all this tonight and he said he'll put the money that he can into the bank for me on Friday so I can try to stretch it enough to take care of at least a snack or 2 and some sort of game.

I have so many people coming, all of them being people that I care about. What am I supposed to do, let them come in to a room full of 30 people that they don't know and expect them to sit there and enjoy themself with just a piece of cake? I feel like such a disappointment. This is a disaster. Why is it that I would personally never let anyone down like this just for being lazy and unmotivated but it happens to me constantly?

2 people have said that they'd come the morning of to help me decorate, but I've told them I don't need help 'cause all I have to do is spread tablecloths on 3 tables.

I don't even have a game to play, or the money to buy supplies for one- I don't even know what games are fun! I've never seen this done! I feel like crying, I am so upset.




Now, for the best news ever:

It's official. I can now buy Jeff a ticket for November 25. God, I'm wishing he was here so badly. He wouldn't leave me stranded like this like this, wouldn't allow someone to let me down, and definitely wouldn't let me feel alone or overhwelmed or disappointed.

I cannot wait to be with my husband again. I'm not wanting these days to go any faster, I'm just looking forward to not being surrounded by a ton of people that love me and STILL feeling like I'm better off being alone in an empty room. I hate not having anyone I feel connected to or that I look forward to being with or that..

:(.

I hate not having Jeff. Wednesday, I need you.

Love, Rachel.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.



Jeff got an email from his Boutwell sponsor last night (Boutwell being the cutter he's assigned to once we get over to Alameda) that said that the ship is expected to return to home port on December 18 and, since Jeff is reporting on the 11, they're not going to fly him out there :)! There's always a chance that they'll turn around and extend their endurance, but that usually doesn't happen. Wooooohoooo!

I got SUPER excited, seeing as this probably means that Jeff will just be day working until the ship leaves again. I was even more stoked because Christmas will be sooo soon and he could be there! He asked me not to get my hopes up though 'cause "I don't want it to break your heart if it doesn't work out like that". I really don't want to be alone for Christmas, if I am then.. I don't know what I'll do. Christmas is what I'm looking forward to every year from December 26 'til the following December 24... Oh well, whatever happens is meant to happen.

I've been worried for the last few days. 3 days ago, I got up from a nap, used the bathroom, and in my underwear were two smaller size splotches. I kind of thought they were really light diarrhea or something but I hadn't had any bowl movements and they were on the outter rims of my underwear so that wouldn't make sense. That night, while at Amanda's house, I used the bathroom and found blood in place of those splotches. It was weird. I hadn't had bowl movements prior to these marks, and there weren't any bloody splotches on my butt, so I got kind of concerned because I figured they were coming from my "baby area", lol.

The whole night that night, Jayelynn didn't kick me. Which is weird, because she's always active. The following day she didn't kick me either, and I was getting worried. I got the prenatal heart listener and put it on my stomach. Well, she didn't like that and started kicking and punching the speaker. That made me feel better, but no kicking or punching sense.

Yesterday evening, I found even more blood in my underwear. It looks like it's more in the butt region, but that wouldn't make as much sense as if it were coming from the other. Once again, I was worried because all that I had really felt Jayelynn doing was twitching. It's been scaring me, like she's just vibrating in my stomach. Jeff doesn't think I should worry and neither does anyone else, but he decided I should go get it checked out by the OB anyway to make sure. I wish it were that easy, because I know that it'd be something neurological and they wouldn't be able to see that with an ultrasound. I pushed down on my stomach a bit, knowing very well that she's never responded to that before, but I told her "Jayelynn, please. Just let me know you're okay" and, just a few seconds later, I felt tiny hands pushing around my fingertips. I smiled, but I still wasn't relieved.

I started crying and praying and talking to Jayelynn, if something is calimed medically wrong with her.. Gosh, I would hate myself. I would cry every time she had to do something differently than other kids and feel like I wanted to die if she ever told me she had been made fun of for whatever was different about her. Of course I would love her beyond words, no matter what. Possibly love her even moreso, but I don't want that. I know she can be happy any way that she has to live, but.. :(.

I got to thinking, the doctor at my last visit put me at 22w 2d. If I would've kept the estimation from my previous doctor, I would've been at 20w 6d. The new doctor's approximtion made more sense to me, as I know when I conceived. However...

If they measure her at only 7w 6d when I went in the first time, then she must not have been developing right. It would make complete sense, it was what I was worrying about the whole first trimester and the beginning of the second. I wasn't able to eat barely ANYTHING, sometimes only a snack every 3 days, yet I was still puking. I couldn't even drink water. What if she didn't get everything she needed? What if that's got something to do with how huge she is now?

Okay, I'll stop.. Please, if you do, then pray for her. I'm worried.

Love, Rachel.

First of all...






Second...

Emily took some 5 month belly pictures today :).





<>



<>

I showed this bedding to my mom and she decided she wanted to buy it for Jayelynn:

http://cgi.ebay.com/FRENCH-RED-TOILE-BABY-ROUND-CRIB-BEDDING-NURSERY-SET_W0QQitemZ370286076994QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item5636c52442



I persistently told her not to, but she's set on it. So, now I'm searching for a round crib that's a good price just to make sure that I can prepare myself for it. I found a really nice crib for sale in Sacramento on Craigslist (there weren't any in San Francisco) but it's white. It comes with a dresser/changing table, but we'll see. I'm assuming it'll be gone by the time we're ready to set up the baby's room, but hopefully we can find another one soon enough.

Jeff has been having bad days at work. I'm scared that it's going to start effecting our relationship. He's so busy all day and then busy with stuff after and, when he's had a bad day, he's sooooo stressed and tired and just wants to try and sleep it off so there's a better chance for the following day. We haven't been able to read our marriage book together because of our schedules and his being so tired. Hopefully we can catch up on Saturday.

I love my husband, I really do. I had 2 or 3 days of an ultimate high, with being so happy about us and the baby. Now I'm feeling kind of down, not that I'm sad but I guess kind of stressed and concerned.

I'm hungry, and nothing fills me up or looks appetizing to me. Ahhh, I want another $1 burrito. Or 3, that sounds good.

OMGOSH! YES! I just said "Hey mom, we should get Taco Bell" and a minute later she opened her door and said "Will you and Alexandria go get it?" Heck yes I will!!!

Anyway.. I love Starbucks' decaf iced pumpkin spice soy lattes. I had to get one today, and I drank it wayyyy too quickly. It was done when I was halfway home, and I only live a mile from the place!

Love, Rachel.



[EDIT] Apparently, Taco Bell was a bad idea. I am still hungry and now have a disgusting taste in my mouth. I can't wait to go back to eating and feeling good afterwards. [/EDIT]

Jayelynn Amorette Allen.

Strength, little love, Allen.



I am so happy with her name, and Jeff is too. I cannot WAIT to see him, or her!

Love, Rachel.

I went to the OB today, had an anatomy scan and..

I am having a girl! She's SO adorable! She had her legs spread wiiiideee open, so there was no doubting her gender. We got to see her spine, her heart beating, her little thigh bone, her feet and hands, the top of her head + the tip of her nose and eye socket (she was upside down at an angle so we couldn't see it very well) and, while looking at the top of her head, we saw something moving in the background where the end of her body should be. It was her foot, and she was tilting her head to watch it float by! It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cute! I started laughing and the doctor commanded me not to move 'cause the baby was in the perfect position he needed to take all of the measurements.

It has a BIG butt! The doctor pointed it out before I noticed exactly what the large growth was, haha. It's stomach is also large, the doctor said that he estimated I was 22 weeks and 2 days pregnant but that the baby was already developed to 24 and a half weeks. Seeing as I've only gained about 13 pounds and the baby is at the size of a 6 month old, I feel even better about the diet I've been keeping! It's obviously getting everything it needs and I'm nowhere near as big as each doctor has projected I'd be.

Because of his estimations, the doctor decided to move my due date to March 6 rather than the 14. I'm excited :).

I love our little girl! We have named her Jayelynn, we actually decided on that name a while ago but never thought of a middle name. Thank God we don't have to think of a last name too, it's hard working deciding and agreeing on names!

Jeff is beyond stoked! He's already planning on buying the smallest pink bike with little streamers so he can teach it to ride as soon as it can walk, haha. He also mentioned that he needs to start buying guns because guys are "going to come and try to take away his little girl". Haha, he's already told me not to mention the dating subject lol.

Thank you God, for our baby!

Love, Rachel.

ps. Jeff is supposed to be back for/on Thanksgiving, I'm really hoping he is because that'd be the first holiday we've been able to spend together. Also, Stephen and my mom are throwing little baby Jayelynn a baby shower on the 21st for my friends down here. Hopefully it goes well!

I woke up at 6:30 this morning 'cause my brother was in the bathroom getting ready for school and the running water always wakes me up.

While I was laying there, I felt a kindof spastic feeling in my stomach. I moved the blanket and looked down and saw a tiny bit of my tummy rise up- the baby was awake!!! I put my hands on my stomach and was sooooooo happy every time that I felt it. I yelled to tell Zach in the bathroom and then had to get up to pee, I was so happy :). I went into Pickle's room and told her and she wanted to feel it so I layed down on her bed in the same position I had been when it was kicking minutes earlier and it wouldn't kick!

I went back to bed and it started again a few minutes later, I yelled for Alexandria again but it wouldn't kick when she was there! I woke up a few more times this morning to little punching feelings in my stomach and was sooooo happy every time. Pickle came home from school around 11:30 and I tried to let her feel it again but realized it must get shy when it hears other people's voices and want to listen instead of dancing or whatever it's doing lol. Alexandria was able to feel the little heartbeat though, I didn't know you could feel the baby's heartbeat but sometimes I definitely can.

I sat down at the computer and was listening to music and, when I listened to Eisley, it started moving around. I don't know if that means it likes the music or not? I quietly called Alexandria and told her not to talk, she came over and the baby didn't know she was there so kept moving around. I love it!

I ccaaaaannnnoootttt wwaaaaaaaiiiiiitttttttttttt! I wish Jeff were here so he could experience it too, he feels like it's so unreal because he hasn't been able to experience the pregnancy or see my belly grow or anything. He's going to be very proud when he's here though, I just know it :).

Love, Rachel.

Yesterday, my mom asked me to lay down with her in her bed while my brother and dad were gone so I did. We were laying there and her little, hideous alien of a dog was on the bed with us. I was laying on my right side and she was talking to me, all of a sudden I felt a weird feeling in my stomach.

I started looking for Petey (the dog) because I thought he had kicked me, and saw that he was cuddled up against my mom, on the other side of the bed, under the blanket. Which can only mean that.. the baby kicked me!!!

Everyone says it feels like butterflies, and I guess it kindda did for a moment? It felt like the baby was in my uterus and, when it was pushing my uterine wall, it felt like butterflies up until it's foot hit the inner lining of my stomach. Then it felt like a little kick- it was soooooooooooooooo great! I told my mom and we sat there with our hands on my stomach in hopes of feeling it again, but we didn't have any luck.

So, last night around midnight-1ish, I felt tiny little pressures being put on the lower part of my belly. I didn't register what they were at first but I realized that they must have been little punches! It's amazing! They felt like little bubbles rising and popping against my belly.

I've been waiting to feel them again but they're so faint. They're just strong enough to know that they're there but not so strong that you realize what it is or even bother to think about them right away. Soooooooooooooooooo cccuuuuuuuteeeeeeeeeeeee.

:)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Rachel.

A post to sum up me, my life, the things that are a part of life and the things I want from this life. Here it goes!



My name is Rachel Elizabeth Allen, previously Rachel Scott, and I am 20 years old. I was raised in a Christian household but didn't find the faith for myself until my junior year of high school when I was 17. I have NEVER made a better, more defining decision. My life was never the same from the moment I decided "I want this". I do NOT believe in religion. I feel that religion is a job, faith is love. I am not a Christian, I am a servant of God and a follower of His son, Jesus Christ. I will NOT force faith down your throat, I believe that the obvious appearnace of God's work in my life is forceful enough.

I met my husband, Jeff, online in November of 2007, spoke to him once and never spoke to him again until December 12. He had been pursuing me with emails and comments ever since our first chat, so I figured I'd give his friendship a try. A day and a half of texting later, we were a "couple". Me, living in Miami, FL and he being 2900 miles away in Boise, ID. We met, in person, in a Miami airport on March 20, 2008. Invited by my parents, he moved into my home on April 19. After treading many waters in the career world, we decided that Jeff would be best off joining the U.S. Coast Guard.

We became engaged in the summer of 2008 and married on August 30. I got a full-time, living expenses paid, job in Orlando and began October 15 of that year. He was living with my family in Miami and left for basic training on October 21. Once he was released back to me, he was a different person. It was hard to accept at first, but I had to learn to understand. I'm still learning.

We moved to his station on Long Island, NY during the first 2 weeks of January 2009 and found out we were pregnant in July. I moved back to Miami in August, he moved to California for training in September. We are to be back together, living in San Francisco, CA during the first week of December.

I write a lot about Jeff and about our baby, who is due to be seen on March 14 (though I believe it will be born in February because the OB's date of conception is not the same as mine).

I also write a lot about my family, who I love more than anyone. I am the oldest of 4 kids. I have 2 brothers and 1 sister, we are all within a year of the next. The second oldest is Jonathon, who is 19 and in the Navy. The third oldest, Zachary, is my closest sibling. We are exactly alike, minus the fact that I think with my heart and he thinks with logic. Our family likes to consider us the "brains", we are both nerds and are always trying to learn more. He is 17, leaving for the Navy when he has his 2 year degree in July 2010 (he and I both started our degrees during high school, he started earlier than I did though so he'll actually get his degree!). The youngest is Alexandria, she is 16 and a junior in high school. Her plan is to join the Air Force as soon as she's old enough.

My parents are a great support. I spend a lot of time with them, mostly with my mom. My dad and I NEVER got along until I moved back here with them. There are a lot of reasons for it, I'm just glad we're able to be where we're at right now.

I am a HUGE animal lover. Not the kind that burns down buildings, though I do imagine myself acting on impulse and stealing puppies out of puppy stores and freeing the animals in the zoo. I am planning on continuing my degree in veterinary medicine, most likely becoming a tech because I will only have one more year of school to finish. After that, I plan on going to school for pre-law. My life's goal is to go to court to shut down pet mills. I want to be able to support my case and understand the system I'm entering, hence the law.

All of this will happen, of course, after my baby is at the right age. I want to be a stay at home mom for as long as it takes. I never thought I could be happy with that life, but now it's all I want (for now).

I love my husband. I love him more than anyone else could love him. He is so perfect, and I am so un. He has been an angel in my life, Coming at the time when I thought I needed absolutely nothing and finding that I had been missing out on everything. I am SO thankful for the sacrifices he's made for me, the work he's putting into being with me. He is the love of my life, I don't see anything else being more meant for me than this- him with me, and our baby to be rasied in love.

If I missed anything, ask!

Love, Rachel.

Today, I am 17 weeks and 6 days :).







My hand is positioned where it is 'cause that's where the baby is currently located :) I feel it every day, just to be certain haha.








On Thursday, I am going to a free clinic. I'm waiting 'til Thursday because that's when Stephen is able to come with me. I'm excited, I should be able to find out if the baby is a girl or a boy :).

I am happy. I can't go anywhere or do anything because I'm so weak, but I really am happy.

I love talking to Jeff about what we want it to be like when we're living together again. Sleeping late, taking turns making each other breakfast in bed, but making a point to get up early and go to breakfast on an unfrequent but regular basis. He wants to cook me my dinners since I'm not supposed to do simple taks like that as long as it can be helped. I get so hungry when I ask him what he learned how to cook each day at school, everything sounds so gooood.

I can't wait for our baby! My stomach grows EVERY day. I'm not just saying that, there really is a difference every day. I love it. I don't look at myself and first think "I'm huge!" (that comes later). I look in the mirror and smile sooo big and think "The baby is getting so big!".

I feel like I'm having a girl, I don't know why. If it is a girl, we're naming her Jayelynn. We haven't discussed a middle name yet but that's the first name that we've heard and agreed on right away. That, or Liam for a boy.

If it IS Jayelynn, this is how I picture it looking:



I love her or him already, it doesn't matter what they look like :).

Did I already mention that we didn't get Oregon but stationed in Alameda, instead? That's in San Francisco bay. I wasn't happy about it at first because I've realized I RREEEALLLYY despise city life, or even suburbia. I've been looking at places to live in that area and can't find any places that are 1) Safe and in a good neighborhood, 2) Not in a building, 3) Big enough for a family and all of the visitors that are going to be cooking. I want 2 bathrooms because 1 was NOT enough in NY! I also want 3 bedrooms, 1 for Jeff and me, 1 for the baby and 1 for the family that will be staying with us/an office. If it has to be 2 bedrooms then that can work, but what I want is 3. LASTLY! I NEED a good size kitchen. Not many places at all up there make the kitchen wiht more than 4 cabinets, let alone big enough for more than 1 person to be in. I also REALLY want some sort of a yard, for numerous reasons.

I searched and searched and searched and FINALLY found a town abot 40 minutes from Jeff's home port and it has all those things and more, plus the rent there is super cheap. They call it "country living" but it's really not country at all, just more breatheable.

So.. yeah, that's where I'm thinking we'll live. Jeff is okay with driving that far as long as we get a good place to be.

I looooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Jeff, and my baby. A LOT.

Love, Rachel.

I had a major episode today in the grocery store and it's got me really worried.

Zach and I went to Miami to drop his truck off at the mechanic's, on our way back we stopped at Publix for a few things. I was standing in line to order a sub when I started feeling like needles were in my head. I ignored it 'cause I've felt like that before. It was my turn to order and I got up there, was telling the guy what I wanted, and I started feeling weak. Zach came back from getting soy milk for me when I turned around and tried to tell him "Zach, I can't hear". He looked like he was 10-15 feet away from me but he said he was standing right next to me after it all happened. My hearing went and I just blacked out, I fell forward and hit my head on the plastic casing where they make the subs and started sliding to the ground. I was shaking terribly, like I was having a seizure, and Zach caught me before I hit the ground. He picked me up and drug me to a chair that the associate had brought out for me because I was still out. I woke up and couldn't make anything but my head move. The manager came to check on me once I was a little more coherent, I told him I'd be fine. We left after I had regained full consciousness and Zach had to help me to the car.

I ate something within the hour but it didn't help. I've been drinking water and resting but I'm still feeling extremely weird. I can't even think straight, I can't get words out or finish my sentences when I'm talking.

If you have any idea what this could be caused by, please tell me. I'm so scared for the baby, if Zach wouldn't have caught me I probably would've lost it. I can't believe this happened, it was so random. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dang thankful for my brother, he knew exactly what to do and acted instantly. I'm also really thankful that he's gotten so muscular over the past few months, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to carry me so easily.

I just want the baby to be okay.. I'm thinking I may be anemic or diabetic, though neither of them really make sense to my every day situation.

I need to go to the doctor now more than ever, I'm trying to get my insurance straightened out but, after this, I'm going to have to raise hell to make it go faster.

I'm going to lay down, I'm really not feeling right.

Love, Rachel.

Jeff got his list of stations, all of them being ships in which he would be gone 2-3 months at a time. The choices were:

Portsmith, Virginia
Somewhere in Michigan?
Warrenton, Oregon
Kodiak, Alaska
Some other place in Alaska.
San Diego, California
Alameda, California
Boston, Massachusetts
and one more I can't remember right now.

We agreed on Oregon, that way we can be decently close to his family. He also wanted me to consider Alameda and possibly San Diego, but I looked up all 2 of those places and we think that Astoria (which is right over the bridge to Warrenton) would be the best place to live with our baby and Jeff being gone so much.

The population there is only 10,000. There's less than 1500 homes there, it sounds like so a small place. I looked it up, we'd be able to have some land, a view of either the Pacific Ocean or the Columbia River, with woods and mountains in our backyard.

It's gorgeous there. I'm looking forward to the move. Mostly because I want to see that it's not going to be as bad as I feel like it is. It'll just be so hard, with Jeff gone.. Maybe I'll live with his family until the baby is close to being born so I don't have to be alone for the last few months.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I found some shoes today that are on sale at Marshalls, they're just Jeff's style. I am going to buy them for him tomorrow. Zach pointed them out at first and said they looked like something Jeff would like, he was totally right. He called me while we were leaving and I told him about them, now he's excited and wants me to mail them to him.

I'm also going to be mailing him and 5 of his friends, 2 of them being his roommates, some things for Halloween. I'm going to mail little "trick or treats", haha. I guess I'll start looking for those this week.

Jeff has become so great since he's been gone, he told me last night how badly he feels now that he's realized all of the things he did wrong to me. He said he sees now how severely I was taken for granted and he never wants to do that again. Not only does he say it, but I can hear emotion in his voice. Something that is rare to hear since he came back from bootcamp.

I love him so much, I'm not sure anyone could understand it. He told me how much he talks about me, shows people pictures of me, how he's always bragging about how far along our baby is, all the things I've done that have made him proud. He told me he imagines what it would be like if I walked into each room that he's in, tries to imagine feeling the way he does when I do. He said he thinks about what he would do if I was sitting next to him or the things I would say if I were a part of his conversations.

I am thankful that he is appreciating me again. I hope it never stops, hopefully this ship he's going to be on won't affect him the way that his last station did. I hope it doesn't even get close.

I love you, Jeffrey Allen. I adore you, and I miss you.
Rachel Allen

No chain is strong enough
No choice is wrong enough
No mountain high enough that He
can't climb

No shadow dark enough
No night is black enough
No road is lost enough that He can't find

And if the Son has set us free
Then we must be, free indeed
Let the chains fall away, starting today
Everything has changed
I'm finally free

No pain is deep enough
No heart could bleed enough
Nothing but Jesus' love can make a way

And if the Son has set us free
Then we must be, free indeed
Let the chains fall away, starting today
Everything has changed
I'm finally free

I miss my husband, I miss him so much.

I miss simple things, like seeing him in the back of my eye when I'm walking in or out of a room, or sitting at a skatepark and watching him ride. I miss looking at stars with him, or talking about the sunset (all these things probably sound lame to everyone else, but they mean a lot to me).

I miss not being able to help but laugh when I'm mad at him, just because he looked at me. I miss him telling me I'm pretty when I wakeup and know for sure there's 2 pimples I noticed the night before that are at their grossest. I miss him asking what I'm doing when I get up from watching a movie. I just miss everything.

I know we're fortunate to be able to talk at all this time that he's gone, but it's hard knowing that it's going to be like this for a few more years. I don't like having limited time to tell him something interesting I learned during the day, and him just saying "yeah" or agreeing because he's busy studying or him saying "what?" when I ask if he heard me because he's in the laundry room getting his uniforms ready.

I know he has to do this, I know I have to do this, I know we CAN do this. It's just not something I WANT to do. I don't want to not be able to remember exactly what his face looks like or how big his hands are next to mine or how goofy I look when I wear his huge shoes.

I hate not feeling love anymore, though. I've made myself be numb so it wouldn't hurt so bad everytime I said "I love you" before we hang up. I feel like I'm the one responsible for blocking him out of my dreams, even. I try to make him the last thing I think about before I fall asleep, but it's so hard to see his face.

This will work, it will.

Love, Rachel.

Jessica Simpson's little dog was reported missing. It was last seen being carried away by a wild coyote. That makes me sad :(

I have been gone for far too long, Livejournal.

I am back in Homestead, we got here today. I missed the feeling of Florida. SO much better than NY. The drive was good, except for missing Jeff so much.

I promise to update when I have the time, right now I have to be sorting out my brother Jonathon's room because it is the only vacant one in the house. It's kind of weird that he's not here anymore and I am, but he's supposed to be coming to visit at the end of this month.

Love, Rachel.

text or call me, 208 608 6345